New found motivation

To be honest, I was never that interested in 'medicine' medicine. Shocking, I know. Whenever I tell my colleagues or people around about it, they would be so shocked. "WHY?! It's such a noble job? You will save lives!" "But you're so good at it..." (not true.) The thing is you can be an expert in things you really don't give a damn about, especially in the academia. Just put in the hours, read, you'll get to the top. Maybe you weren't interested at first, but given the right guidance, you'll get to there. I don't hate, medicine. I was good in chemistry, biology and maths, and I am remotely interested in human biology, so when I was offered such rare, precious opportunity to do an interesting course in a prestigious, interesting place (+ an immensely quality lifestyle), I took it. Let's just say, I did it for the sake of, first, because my parents wanted me to; second, I had somewhat an ability to do so(?); thirdly, for the sake of proving social mobility is still possible in our society.

And satisfying those 3 points has got me quite 'happy' life for the past 2.5 years in Cambridge. No really, there were moments when I was truly happy to be here. 

But you know, people grow up and meet people, see the world. I saw there are actually so many others things which I am interested in the world. There are so many things that I want to do in the life! Life isn't that long you know. 2.5 years of this is fine. But I can't continue wasting time, doing what I am barely interested in any longer. I can't bear the thought of doing something I am not really passionate about for the rest of my life. I can't bear the thought of wasting my life just like that...So I started exploring what really resonates with me. It's a bit late, I know, to only do this when I am half way through a course and people have already invested so much money, time and energy in developing a hopeful-medic. But how can you expect every 17-years-old to know exactly what he/she wanted to do with his/her life when we don't even have sufficient life exposure, experience to know what we really like?! Gap year is a way to do it, so I had a gap year before but I still didn't know what to do by the end of it. 

"I am truly grateful that I have the opportunity to be in Cambridge. Not because it's one of the top university in the world, but because of the way we are taught."

I said similar thing while filling in the SAQ form during my university application without being consciously aware of what I was really talking about. I was just trying to please the interviewer. Halfway through my 6 years here, I became conscious of what that sentence really mean. I love the collegiate system. Because of how Caius forced us to dine in the hall almost every day during term time, we get to meet people from other courses. I also love how we can be involved in a society like CUMaS, where you meet all sorts of 'interesting' people from our country. People from different courses really do have different mindsets and opinions. And having the opportunity to talk to them on a daily basis opens up my mind to the world beyond medicine. I know you get to do that in other universities too, but over here, you essentially live, eat and breathe with experts from all sorts of fields. I see medics during lectures, I hang-out with engineers, economists and lawyers and my tutor is a linguist. I believe (or i like to believe) that these people have impacted the way I think in a very significant measure. 

Then I became interested in economics and sociology. The humanities used to be painted in very bad light in secondary school. Everyone was trying to get into the science stream in Malaysia's secondary school because that's where smart people go; because art stream classes are for less capable students.How far from the truth can that get!?I love how these disciplines touch on almost every aspect of life in so many different ways. The things they do are really meaningful and impactful on a larger scale, and not just on an individual basis in clinics. I started to doubt whether I am in the right course. I went "omg being a doctor is such an ineffective waysof solving problems. Omg I am in the wrong course, I hate my life, how do I get out?!" (Please don't get me wrong, I respect all doctors in every way. I just don't like the idea of doing the same thing for 40-50 years for the rest of my life.).I was reading the journal of a doctor who went to Sierra Leone under Doctors without Borders (MSF). After reading those horrifying accounts, I twitted back to MSF, "omg these doctors are so noble, sacrificing themselves and putting their own lives at risk to save those poor souls! But they are just putting bandages on a bigger, deeper problem! There's must be a better way to make lives of more people better, more effectively." I think designing and implementing good policies is the way to go. Don't get me wrong, we definitely NEED doctors to be at the front-line, otherwise those marginalised would not have any care NOW. I really salute the doctors in MSF and I look forward to be part of it one day. But I can't picture myself being that noble for long, and I really, want to do something more impactful in a larger scale with the short amount of time I have in my life on Earth. Then I realised I can't get out. I was in dismay. I started to explore again.

In our third year in Cambridge, we can choose to do any course we like. I, for some unknown reason, chose Pathology in Immunology and Microbiology and Parasitology. I had no idea what is coming up. I was taught about the molecular mechanisms of microbes, parasites and our immune systems. I was shown pictures of Ascaris lumbricoides (those icky spaghetti-like worms in the intestines) and hepatosplenomegaly while my family was enjoying Chinese New Year Eve's dinner in the far east. I was quite...frustrated.

Then we were taught epidemiology and public health. We were taught how to do simple math models and how to it has been used to affect health policies on a global scale; we were showed how our lecturer has helped WHO in planning vaccination programmes in Latin America, in Africa and in my very own home country, Malaysia. His math models have helped save billions in various cost- and time-effective ways. What the lecturer did really resonates with my interest. I went on to investigate the background of those working in WHO. I went on to check Margaret Chan's profile. Then I realised, they were all practising doctors for many years before they went on public health.

Today, I am able to see how a doctor/clinician scientist too, can impact billions of life, in very specialised, extremely demanded and significant ways, be it in research or policy-making. I see how we need to be trained this way: to know the science behind and to gain actual medical experience in the field, to really make a difference in the world. There is really a place for every personality in Medicine.

I often wonder why God opened these doors to put me here. 

 I can only pray that He reveals more and more of His will every day.

Builder

You are a builder,

not an attacker;

All you have to develop and to protect yourself are you bare hands. 

You built yourself  a nice comfortable fort, 

with no weapons inside,
and filled it up with sunshine, pillows, balloons, cotton candies,
and happy thoughts.

*****************

When you made yourself vulnerable to a person, 

you opened up the windows, weaknesses in your wall, 
opened up the chances for him to slip in, 
to ravage through your stuffs,  
to stab you 

and to let you bleed.

'Why me?'
you asked;

You were at that person's mercy, because you consented to. 

Because in the first place, 

you trusted him;
You knew he could hurt you anytime,
but you believed he has no reason to
and he would not.

But he did it. 
In fact, he lifted you up from the ground 
only to drop you again. 

**************

It's ok, builder. 
Forgive and forget,
both the good and the bad.
You still have your bare hands;
They are covered with callouses and wrinkles,
but they are still your most faithful hands,
more durable than ever. 

Repair the gates, 
build up a stronger, bigger fort!  

Do not fill it up with weapons. 
Fill it with sunshine, pillows, balloons and cotton candies;
Oh, 
remember the beautiful ribbons and flowers you've always wanted? 
Get those too! 
Top it up with tunes of happiness;
And there, your beautiful home. 

 Keep your eyes open. 

Open the gates,
share your beautiful new home with your allies. 
Do not let the prospect of an enemy slipping in scare you.
For your Father is still with you;
For your allies will not hurt you, 
and if the hurtful ones try to get in,
the Almighty and your allies are with you. 

For you are a builder, 
a builder of a happy home.

'Don't turn back. 

Promise me, from now onward, 

you will be more accomplished than you will ever be.'

Constructive criticisms

Have been crazily busy since the last post and I was sooooo glad that after 2 sleepless nights, I was done with my 35-pages long research project report. #tooconfusingtoblogabout

Last term, I was rubbish at writing essays because my supervisor said I have horrible grammar, which is equally important in a scientific essay, although no one cares. 'I won't let you graduate if you don't fix your language soon,' she said. So she sent me to one-on-one academic writing skills supervisions. 

In Lent term, I found out I was rubbish at writing report, mainly because I can't construct logical, interesting arguments through my written work. Even the principle investigator in my lab said I was totally rubbish at that. I was at the brink of tearing up when he criticized just how lousy it was and he could not believe I got the result I got for the past 2 years. So he sent a very encouraging and motivating post-doc to point out all the possible ways to make it a perfect report, then sent me off to do all the corrections. 'I want you to have the perfect score,' he said. And I completed it. 

Another instance was when I was trying to complete a report on 'Preparing for patients' course we have here in cambs medicine. I was so worried about the quality of my report (to some degree of paranoia) I sent it off several peers to review it and bug them to give me feedback as soon as possible (Ok, we always do that here, reading each others' report just before submitting but typically, people just send to 1 friend for proofreading). When one of my very brilliant friends gave me the feedback, 'I am a bit worried about your report. When are you free? We need to talk about it,' I freaked out. So we set a time and discussed, in a very light-heartening manner, on how to improve it. And it was a 'masterpiece' (according to him, anyway). 

2 terms have passed for my third year in Cambridge. It was a very different year from the past 2 partly because of the non-medically related materials in my course.  Also because learning this year's course well requires a very different learning attitude. I have never received so many direct criticisms in such a short period of time in my life. I used to take them very badly, like seriously badly. But this year, I have learned to take them as priceless learning opportunities. I do not know what changed, but when I looked into the eyes of people who criticized me here, I knew they were not just making fun of my flaws but sincerely wanted to make me a better doctor, scientist, writer, person. I am, therefore, truly grateful for these people who were brave enough to tell me what's wrong in a constructive way and set out to help me improve. 

There are bound to be many more, harsher criticisms when clinical school starts next year! More learning opportunities! 

Rationalise out of the defensive mode

Oh, look at how time flies! The last time I blogged was 2 months ago. And I just turned 22 last Christmas! :)

Ok the reason I stopped blogging for these past 2 months was because  I was busy saving the world right after the last post, I had a supervision with a King's College supervisor. I got the worst-ever feedback for my essay and some nasty comments on my language. It affected my self-confidence for quite a while. I almost cried but I thought, wait a minute, keep calm and take a step back. Was she trying to help or was she just enjoying the position to criticise a vulnerable soul here?

To be honest, it is very easy, as a foreign student, a minority in this society to take this as a case of racism. Every time when you not treated the way you wanted,  it is easy to feel you are discriminated against by a local. It is easy to go into that defensive mode and start crying wolf, or scream something like 'you racist th*at!' But if you take a step back, breathe and analyse the whole situation, very often it is not a case of racism. One, you can't always get the thing you want, regardless of race, religion, great wealth or background associated with the royal blood. erm...maybe you can but that's not the point. Two, there are rude and inconsiderate people in all communities! When they are rude, that doesn't mean they are against your whole race. They are just, being human. Unless you have a concrete evidence, explicitly or implicitly but very clear, that you are being unfairly treated because of your background, it is never a good idea to take things into the 'racism' realm, because it will never get your problem solve, and if anything else, it'll get blown up to a completely different argument, involving the whole population of two races. What's the point?

As the supervisor was rambling on how terrible it is for the College to admit a student like me, I thought why should I take these criticisms this way? She's trying to help here, and even though she could have put those criticisms in a more constructive way, her intention was clear - to teach me and to make me a better student. Listen to her words clearly, her criticisms were based on the mistakes I made on paper, and not any statement she made was against my background or my identity. It was clearly not a case of racism. So as these thoughts were running through my mind, I smiled and gave her my director of studies' contact details. She emailed him, he emailed me and we arranged another supervision to help me in improving my writing skills. I was extremely glad because I got my decade-old confusion in grammar resolved and an English language lesson from a Cambridge expert, tailored to me, for free. Hey, private language classes aren't cheap! (Still a Malaysian at heart!)

Note to self: When facing criticisms and accusations, we go into a hyper-defensive mode immediately and start denying and fighting back mentally/verbally every single thing the person says. But try to put ourselves into another person's shoe the next time: each of us has a very unique background and myriad of distinct encounters in our life; each of these pieces inevitably forms the filter through which we see our world. On top of our 'just brilliant' ability to communicate clearly in this modern world, misunderstandings are often a result of inability to see from another person's point of view. Empathy  is the way to go! However, to truly understand another person's point of view will take a hell lot of time and energy. And obviously, it is not possible to do that with every acquaintance. Knowing this fact, an easier way in getting around this problem is, not to let your emotions take control and dive into defensive mode immediately the next time you face criticisms/accusations. Take a step back. If you can't rationalise on the spot, then move away until you can think through the situation properly, then only go talk it through. So...when facing criticisms and accusations, it's a good time to practise empathy!

Happy Week 2!